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I called my uncle Roy yesterday. I had not heard from the old mountain man is a couple weeks, which was odd because he has been reaching out to me regularly in recent weeks. I called to check on him to see if he was ok.

Uncle Roy lives way up in the mountains of North Carolina. I have to reach him by satellite phone because he has no land line and there are no cell towers for miles and miles around. He livesxpletely off the grid.

So I dialed up Roy. The phone rang and rang. I thought that maybe he was busy at his still or skinning a Bigfoot or something. Then there was a pickup. I said “Hello? Hello? Uncle Roy, are you there?â€?
Nobody answered. It was quiet at first; too quiet. Then I heard a growling sound. It was real quiet at first, then rose in volume and ferocity. It sounded dog like, but from a really BIG dog. Then I heard another beast growling in the background. I could tell by the timbre of the second growl that it came from another source.

Then there was a blood curdling howl. It sounded as if I had accidentally dialed a hotline straight to Hell. The ungodly and demonic soundsxing through my receiver made me freeze in terror. I said “Uncle Roy?!? Are you there?!? What’s going on?!?!?!â€?
Then something happened because all hell broke loose on the other end. There were growls – vicious growls – and sounds of a struggle. Then I heard what sounded like a man letting out a battle cry, “AAHHHHHHHH!!!!â€?There were some thuds, more vicious growls, and then “Die ya sumbitch!â€? followed by the sound of a yelping hurt dog. Then “BOOM!!â€?and another yelp. What in the heck was going on?!? It sounded like some kind of horrific murder scene.

Then uncle Roy picked up. “Who in tarnation this here be?â€?Roy asked in an agitated voice. I said “Uncle Roy? It’s me, The General! What’s going on?!? Are you ok?!?â€?Roy said “General? Well, Goddamn, boy! You has got ya sum Goddamn good timing, let me Tells ya! You jest saved my life, son!â€?He continued, “Looky here, General, I gots me sum unfinished bidnez here. Let me clean up this slop and I’ll give ya a ring in a little while. Don’t worry nun abouts me. I is fine now! Heh heh heh!â€?
So late last night uncle Roy called me back. He explained that he had been in an ordeal when I called, but he managed to get himself out of it. I asked him to tell me what happened, which he did. What follows is my transcription of uncle Roy’s story, kept as authentic as possible.

“Well sir, I had got my ass up early yesterday cuz I had to go down into town to pick me up a special package at the UPS store. I went on down there, picked it up, loaded it into the back of my old pick-em-up truck and headed home. When I got to me parking spot off the side of the road, I had my old mule, “Jethroâ€?tide to a tree and a’watin fer me. I strapped the crate onta Jethro’s back and led that sumbitch up the side of the mountain and on inta Sasquatch Hollar. After a couple hours we made it to my cabin.â€?
“I unloaded that thar mule, then put him in the shed. I dragged my package inside and fetched me crowbar to open her up. Well, I pried it open, pulled out all that thar protective wrap, and there she was: Ariana Grande!!â€?
I paused and then asked, “Ariana Grande? What? You mean that idiot singer?â€?Roy replied, “Yep, that’s who I mean.â€?
I start thinking, “Oh shit… Roy kidnapped that ditzy pop singer out of some sort of preternatural attraction. He is going to make her into some kind of farm-hand/sex-slave.â€?I said, “Roy, is she … alive?â€?Roy responded, “Fuck no, boy, she ain’t alive. She’s fer fuckinâ€? That did not make me feel any better.

I love my Uncke Roy. But he is a very peculiar man who is not troubled by things like morality and laws. I know Roy has done some messed up stuff, but abduction and necrophilia had never crossed my mind.

I said “Roy, you got to get rid of her body. She’s a pop star. They are going to be looking for her. Uncle Roy, you can’t do thisâ€? Roy responded, “What the fuck is you goin on about, boy?â€? I told him “Roy, you have possession of a dead celebrity and you want to fuck it. Goddamn, that’s sick!â€?
Uncle Roy then broke out laughing. He said, “You fucking asshole! She ain’t no real girl. This here is one of them thar sex robots. It cost me a pretty penny too. I wanted one that looked like Gwen Stefani, but they wanted too much money fer that one. They gives me a big discount if’s I take one of them thar Arianna Grande models. I don’t even know who in the hell she is, but she looks like one of them thar hybrid girls, you know, half white and half somethin er other.â€?
Ah, a sex robot. Uncle Roy got a sex robot. I was relieved. After I realized my mistake I turned my attention back to the story and what the hell happened earlier. I asked Roy to continue.

“So, I got that Grande doll out of the box and sat it there on the couch. I sed to her ‘My, ain’t you a purty thang! Now git in that thar kitchen and fixes me up sum grub. GIT!â€? But, that robot didn’t move one anch. Ixmanded her agin. Nuthin. I thought to myself ‘either this thang is broke er it’s so lifelike that it’s got a bitch’s attitude and needs to be treated jest right to werk.â€?So I decided to give it another try.â€?
“I sits down next to Ariana, puts my arm around her, and puts my other hand high on the ham. I then leaned over and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. I said, ‘Baby, go whips me up sum vittles and I’ll let ya suck my cock while I eats em.â€?Still, nothin.â€?
“So I figured she wuz playing hard to git, and I wuz Not havin me any of that. So I grabbed that bitch by the hair and punched her in the throat, repeatly. Well, apparently, I hit her too goddamn hard cuz her hed came off in my hand. ‘SHIT!!â€? I yelled. This cheap motherfucker dun fell apart before I even git ta fuck her.â€?
“So I studied the situation and cyphered that I best git what I can while I can. I pulled out my old wang and stuck it in her mouth while I held the severed hed to my crotch. Nuthin. Now, I bought this fucking thang because it’s a robot and supposed to move and act like a real woman. I wuz gettin a might pissed. I tried harder, face-fucking that thar thang. Nuthin.â€?
“I yelled ‘FUCK!!â€? and slung that Ariana Grande head agin the wall. It hit with a loud ‘THUDâ€?and then fell on the floor. Then a thought hit me. Maybe this thang needs to be turned on. It is a robot after all. Shit, fer that matter it prolly needs to be charged up. Well, sir, I knew how to rectify this here situation.

“I dragged that headless Ariana Grande doll body out to my shed where I kept my tractor. So what I did wuz I got me a pair of jumper cables and attached them to the battry on my John Deere. I cranked that muthafuka ta life and then I attached the other end to Ariana by clamping them to her little wine-glass titties. As I did I sed, ‘Oh, excuse me, Ms. Grandeâ€? as I chuckled to myself.â€?
“After a minute of chargin, that old headless Grande doll started smoking. I wuz all fandangled, and let out a ‘SHIT FIRE!!!â€?Her little titties were aâ€?meltin!! I frantically unhooked the bitch and put out the far. Dejected and defeated, I dragged that robotic bitch back inta my cabin.â€?
“So there she wuz, laying on my living room floor, right on my Sasquatch skin rug, the severed Grande robot hed and its topless body with burned-up titties. I decided to study on this situation a bit while I eats me sum vittles.â€?
“I had me sound ground Bigfoot meat thawin out, and it wuz ready to fix up. I wuz planning on making me up sum Sasquatch burgers. Now, ya got to understand that Sasquatch meat ain’t like no cow or pig meat. This Bigfoot meat is sum nasty shit. First of all, it’s dark meat. And I mean it is black! It is also greasy as goose shit. It’s kind of like bar meat, but nastier.â€?
“You cain’t jest mold Bigfoot meat inta a burger, ya see. You gots to put sum stuff inta it to make it mold together. You can mix ya in some hamburger meat, or bread crumbs, or whatever. But tonight I had me sumthang REAL special to mix in. I had acquired me sum fresh hawg semen and cow blood! I got it down at the local slaughter house. They jest give that shit away!!!â€?
“What I like to do is put that old Sasquatch meat in a big old bowl, all ground up, then poor in the blood and semen. Then I roll up my sleeves and dive in with my hands, grinding and squeezing and mixin it all up. See, hog jizz is a lot thicker than human jizz. It’s also a lot tastier, lending a nice bouillabaisse note to the dish. The cow blood gives it a nice tangy body. I also like to ad some A-1 sauce to da mix.â€?
“Now, Son, ya got to bear sumthang in mind here. Yer old Uncle Roy is gettin on up thar in years. In fact, I don’t even know how old I is. But I do know that sumtimes I slip up whar I used to be sharp as a whip. This here wuz one of those days.â€?
“Ya see, I had kilt me a big old 10â€?tall Sasquatch a couple week ago. That skanky sumbitch came a creepinâ€?up to my shed in the dead of night. They know that’s whar I stash sum of my hooch, and they like to sneak in there and get ‘em a sip. What that sumbitch did not know is that I been havin sum run-ins with them thar damn dogmans lately and I wuz out and about on my property.â€?
“Now, Son, I know ya know what a dogman is. They is basically a werewolf. The sumbitches is wolves but they can stand and walk on 2 legs like a man. They anywhere from 7â€?to 15â€?tall, and they is pure evil! They also is dangerous. They a lot more dangerous than a Bigfoot.â€?
“Them thar Bigfoots Are Big, dumb apes. BUT, they is smart enough to know when they been whipped. Ya see, me and then sumbitches pretty much got us an understanding that if they don’t fuck with me, then I won’t kill ‘em. Therefore, they give me my space. That sed, they will still fuck round witcha, like sneaking around trying to steal your shine stash, just like a bunch of naggers.â€?
“But these damn dogmen ain’t like that. Oh, sure, they is smart. But they ain’t got no self-awareness like a Bigfoot. They am full o hate! A Bigfoot will contemplate, it will study a situation. That old dog man, he is pure evil straight from hell. They ain’t worth a shit fer eatin either. They taste like sulfur! I don’t want anything to do with them nasty beasts. When I Kills em I jest drag em off my mountain and set the nasty turds on fire.â€?
“So, a pack of them thar dogmans came through Sasquatch Hollar. I knowed they been fucking around on my homestead cuz I seen the paw prints. We ain’t got us none of them thar wolves here in North Carolina. So, when you see them really big canine tracks suddenly show up on your property, you can know they is dogman.â€?
So, there I wuz, on my rooftop, with a jug of shine and a 6.5 Creedmore rifle with nightvision optics. I wuz a’plannin to kill me sum dogman scum when up came this dumbass old Sasquatch, slinking up to my old shed to get him a nip of Old Roy’s mountain shine.â€?
“I watched that Bigfoot fer a long time, peeking out from behind trees, tiptoeing closer a little at a time, craning his neck to make sure nobody wuz around, then tiptoeing sum more. It wuz Goddamn pathetic! Them Bigfoots are nuthin but giant pussies. It took that dumb bitch 10 minutes to get from the hard woodline to the door of my shed.â€?
“That old Sasquatch did not know I wuz anywhar around. I had been following it’s movement through the nightvision scope on my rifle. By the time it got to my cabin I had flipped the safety off. Then it got to my shed. It stepped up to the shed door, slowly put its paw on the door latch, then looked to its left. Then it looked to the right, slowly turning its entire upper body in that direction. Then it turned back to the shed door, presumably about to enter.â€?
“BOOM!!!!!â€?The report of the 6.5 blast wuz aâ€?deafening! That critter’s head exploded like a cantaloupe, splattering blood and brain everywhar! It wuz a glorious sight to behold!â€?
“I decided I would let that dead critter lay where it died fer a spell as bait fer them sumbitchin Dogmans. Unfortunately, it didn’t werk that night, or else they jest don’t like Bigfoot meat. They is, after all, natural enemies of each other, the dogman and the Sasquatch.â€?
“So, at dawn, I dragged that headless Bigfoot into my cabin and laid it out on my kitchen counter. Any veteran Sasquatcher knows that you got to tenderize that critter a’fer ya can eat it. Only a newb skins a Sasquatch and throws it right on the grill. So Ixmenced to beaten the corpse with a mallet. Then, I wuz gonna jest let it lay there an rot fer a few days, like how ya age beef. It won’t hurt ya one bit to rot yer meat a bit a’fer eatin it.â€?
“Now here’s a’where I fucked up. I needed to gut that sumbitchin critter. But, I had received a cyber notice that a new amateur video of an Asian chick being fucked on a public bus Had jest been uploaded on Pornhub. I decided to take me a look at it, then gut the squatch later. Well, later neverxe. I fell asleep and then totally fergot about the task. That dead critter laid out on my kitchen counter fer a good 2 weeks, it did. I guess I jest kind of assumed the cleaning job wuz all dun.â€?
“So, fast-forward ahead and there I wuz, gettin ready to fix me sum Sasquatch burgers. I had my ground up Bigfoot meat all mixed up in a bowl with hog jism and cow blood, andxpletely in the dark on the current internal chemical happenins with that Bigfoot corpse laid out on my kitchen counter. I noticed it wuz gettin a’kind of bloated. But I did not know that it was because of all those internal gases buildinâ€?up in the dead critter’s body cavity. I sure as shit did not know it wuz about to explode!â€?
“Then it happened. KA-BOOOOOOM!!! That Sasquatch corpse a’layinâ€?on my counter plum exploded!! Rotten Bigfoot guts and blood went everywhere! It covered my kitchen and my livinroom. Everthang!â€?
“Well sir, I wuz pissed! I started throwin shit, and tearin up shit. I even drew my .44 magum and started blasting shit. Then I saw that goddamn headless Ariana Grande robot layin on the floor. ‘Fuck itâ€? I thought. ‘Jest FUCK IT!â€?So I took down my draws and raped that thang!!â€?
“Well, I did not know – because of all the goins on in my cabin – that a couple of them thar nasty Dogmans had snuck up and was a’watchin me through the winder. What a sight they must have seen! There I wuz, in the middle of a blood and gut soaked scene, bare-assed and fucking that headless doll.â€?
“That scene must’ve driven them Dogmans inta a hot-n-heavy, horny, murder frenzy, cuz they smashed down my door, grabbed me and the headless Grande robot, and dragged us off into the woods. Man, I was a’scairt! These Dogmans were big. They both stood a good 12â€?tall, or MORE!â€?
“Those rotten critters dragged me off into their lair, a cave just the other side of Poltergeist Ridge. They throwed me down against the far cave wall. Then they turned their attention to the doll. They both had ‘em a couple big old red shankers stickin out of their loins. They would sniff the doll, then try to mount it. The holes weren’t big enough to axmodate their big dog wangs, so they would get all frustrated and growl at the robot, then they would try agin.â€?
“Now, this is where the shit got weird. I could not escape because them infernal dogman beasts were a’blocking the entrance to the cave. And I was admittedly amused by the sight of these goddamn thangs trying to get it on with a doll. I could not contain myself and let out a’laughin at them. I sed, ‘You stupid sumbitches!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!â€?That’s when they dropped the robot and both turned in my direction, throbbing erections pointed right at me. ‘Uh Oh!â€? I thought.â€?
“Those two Dogmans began moving toward me. I knew they intended to make luv on me, doggy style. That’s when my satellite phone started ringing. I pulled that sumbitch out of the case on my gun belt, but before I could answer it, the dogman on the left swatted it outa my hand. Then they turned their attention on the ringing phone.â€?
“Them damn thangs were all agitated by the ranging and were a’swipin at it. They musta hit ‘answerâ€? and that’s when you heard all the growlinâ€? When they heard your voice on it they went crazy! They musta thunk you wuz inside the phone and it perplexed them.â€?
“With them dogmen distracted by the phone, I decided it wuz time to make my move. I bolted forward and grabbed what wuz left of that Ariana Grande sex doll -pretty much just the torso – and used it as a club, beating the shit out of them thar dogman critters. I wuz a’fightin fer my life!â€?
“I wuz a’swangin old Ariana around and a’whackin them critters off! I remembered the Kabar knife on my belt and whipped out that sumbitch. Then I used Ariana as a shield. I closed in on the first critter, which wuz already wounded, and stabbed it right in its heart. It let out an unholy ‘yelpâ€?as I hit the organ.â€?
“Then the other dogman lunged at me. In one motion I swiftly withdrew the long knife from the heart of the first critter and slashed at the second one, slicing its hard-on clean off. Then that one let out a yelp and a cry of pain as it reached down and grabbed its crotch. I sed, ‘Take that, bitch!â€? and thrust my blade into its heart. ‘Boom!â€? it hit the ground!â€?
“Both them motherfuckers were ded! Then I answered the phone, and it twere you, General. You saved my life!â€?
Roy went on to tell me that he burned the bodies of the Dogman creatures, and the Ariana Grande fuckbot. He then went into town to see his insurance man to file a claim on his homeowners policy for the mess at his cabin. He checked into a local hotel called “The Sasquatch Innâ€?while ServPro is out at his home cleaning up the mess. After he got settled in for the night he called me and told me this encounter story.

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